art and ammo.

I wish I could explain away the reason I've neglected this blog, but I just...I wouldn't even know where to start. But here are some recent thoughts. I sent these to a friend, and realized I wanted to keep them. 

I turned 27 Monday. And this week has been filled with introspection, and reflection. Of course. And is it painful? of course. This is how I treat birthdays. I don't think that will ever change much. 

Something occurred to me tonight which may seem silly but I think says a lot about where I am in life....I got an expensive manicure for myself as a day-after-birthday splurge. And while my hands look great, they seem unfamiliar to me. Hours later I was invited to the pistol range by my boss, to try IDPA shooting (International Defense Pistol Association) which entails loading ammo into magazines, drawing from a holster, etc. I accepted the invite, nails unscathed. 

Tonight I had planned to etch for a while. A process I need to work on as I was accepted into an art fair in 2 weeks or so, and need to complete more work. I looked at my nails and thought, shit, those chemicals will strip this right off. 

And then it dawned on me. Recently I've made all these attempts to appear a certain way. Partially because I've fallen into this designer realm where everyone looks, and acts a similar way. And they're all so "put together" it's literally nauseating. But it's not really who I am. I grew up in the country. Pulling weeds, petting goats, running around barefoot. I learned that hard work and art were a way to a good life, and here I found myself hesitating based on some stupid paint on my nails. There was no art, here. I didn't feel connected to it. 

At 27, I realize, it's more important to me now to have the hands of an artist. The hands of a pistol shooter. The hands of someone who tries something. I'm not interested in being under any false pretenses. Sometimes I open the hood of my car, and I want to investigate something. I'm not sure the idea of chipping nails is something I want holding me back from that. 

I'm not sure when I thought the appearance of being privileged was more important than hard work, or trying something new. At the end of my life I don't think I want to add up the hours spent in manicure or pedicure chairs with aimless chit chat with a stranger I'll never encounter again. My values entail a scenario much more along the lines of hard work, dedication to an art. Having hands of a doer. Not an observer. I come from a family of workers. Laborers. I didn't earn this. 

I think that's just, where I need to be now. I fight it I think, because at 27 I imagined myself this polished designer. But, I'm not sure I care much about that, really. 

It may seem insignificant, but it's not. Not in my heart, anyway. 

for Jeff

reasons to not date an interior designer...a start...

1.      They touch everything, especially in retail environments– texture rules.

2.   Color is as defining as emotions. How are you today? Well, sage green just feels right.

3.      Every time you visit their home or apartment, something will have shifted, and however minor (say, 6” to the right) they expect you to notice.

4.     You wake up in the middle of the night hearing them scream “when is the deadline?”

5.       They hate architects- because moving a wall 1’-0" will change the balance of a floor pattern they spent way too long designing.

6.       They’re likely to have a meltdown over which shower curtain to purchase for their own bathroom, and what it says about them.

7.       They collect magazines. For inspiration, but never look at them.

8.       At dinner, they will be preoccupied obsessing over whether someone in a wheelchair could easily maneuver around the space.  And, if not, spend the duration drafting a letter in their head to the owners describing the importance of universal design.

9.       They collect furniture. Of different styles. Generally more “project” pieces than functional.

10.   They dream of the day people stop using “decorators” to describe their profession. 

11. They will judge you on your depth perception or lack thereof. 

12. They will borrow your napkin at the bar to draw on. Regardless of whether you've OK'd it.

(to be continued)

in response to: http://abourbonforsilvia.wordpress.com/2010/11/10/50-reasons-not-to-date-a-graphic-designer/

snip snip

I cut my hair.

side

smile a little

And I have a serious back and forth identity crisis about long hair vs. short hair. Have as long as I can remember.

I like that it's asymmetrical. Even though the stylist looked at me funny upon request. And I think it fits my personality, best. But I see women with long beautiful hair, and sort of...grieve not having it. It certainly fits my schedule better, that's for sure. I'm not sure style dictated by convenience is the best way to go, but hey, something's gotta give when I'm exhausted in the morning, and doing my best to get out the door.

coast of the sun

Shall we talk about Spain again? I think so. More to come soon on some other realizations en route the quest to "find" myself....

There's a proposition to turn a bullfighting ring into an animal friendly place-
http://inhabitat.com/xv-studio-proposes-to-turn-barcelona-bullfighting-ring-into-animal-friendly-eco-center/
Perhaps that's more up my alley. I'd get to see an arena- and appreciate the history- but maybe moving forward, we approach the value of animals differently? food (veggies) for thought...

to quote, the building "fosters life instead of destroying it"


And, I read this about the LGBT community there-
http://inhabitat.com/boom-sustainable-lgbt-community-pops-up-in-costa-del-sol/

(Costa-del-sol literally means coast of the sun...and that, I dig)

While I'm not sure how I feel about the self imposed segregation of the living quarters, I do appreciate the idea that urban planning can be based on more than physical geography, or commercial development (convenience).  I hope that it would foster a sense of community that perhaps is lacking, but at what cost to the already-lost outsiders?

it has been some time

I went on a hiatus.

Partially cause I thought maybe I should do a little figuring out, with the time I was spending writing about how I couldn't figure anything out. Heh.

rhythm

Spain is on the top of my bucket list. I think about it daily. I need to get there, sooner rather than later. My new budget is based on percentages. So maybe, even if I took 10% of my pay coming in, and saved it for Spain, it would make me happy.




There's something raw about the culture- passionate, play (art, music, dancing, etc) is done with fervor, and work with due diligence but moderation. From an outsiders view, in, anyway.

masterpiece

Things of note:
1. Visit Barcelona. The art and architecture will I'm sure, leave me feel grateful for the skill and creativity of men and women in that area.
2. I'll need to see Gaudi's Sagrada Familia (pictured) and check out the architecture in The Placa De Catalunya.

3. Visit the Barcelona aquarium (cause I like them), and the Picasso Museum (cause I like him)

4. See a show at the Magic Fountain (pictured) because the lighting, etc. is all supposed to be amazing. 

light

5. If I don't implode out of sheer amazement and wonder in Barcelona, go to Madrid. Seek out lighting designers to converse with. I know some, already, thanks to my boss who did me a solid and took my business cards with him when he went to Spain, because I asked him too.

dark sky

6. While in Madrid; visit at least these three museums: the Prado, the Reina Sofia, and the Thysen-Bornemisza.
7. I must see flamenco dancing. At least 2 shows.
8. I must see acoustic spanish guitar.
9. I have wrestled with my own issues with this; but I have long been fascinated by bullfighting. And have considered seeing one. I'm not sure I would, handle it well- but sometimes it is the experiences we don't handle well, that says the most about us. The meat is donated to the community.

i.see.green.

10. I also need to check out the vertical gardens popping up in Spain. They have some of the largest in the world.

In the mean time: I plan to continue to watch Pedro Almadovar films, because he's my favorite director and every movie he does is set in Spain. Continue to research art and architecture to see there, with some specific attention to lighting.





.

perspective

I may not have the look down, that I'd like.
Or know exactly who I am or where I'm coming from some days.

But I do know, that I'm happy for the progress I've made physically. I was on facebook this evening, and it inspired me to write this post.

On my friend Lisa's page, theres "photos of you and Lisa" and the first two photos are shown back to back.

I just stared. And then clicked back and forth, back and forth. Like a flip book.

The left photos are January 2010, then the right are June 2011. I'm around 70 lbs lighter, in the second photo. At one point I had lost 80 lbs (December), but I did gain some back.

It's strange how much that can change your look, your life, style, personality, perspective. I wish actually I knew someone going through that extreme of a change. I plan to continue to work on all this, but it's really different from someone who wants to lose ten to fifteen lbs.

I still have a ways to go, to feel healthy. But, it's things like this that help me understand how important it is to be grateful for progress.

Then

Now

Then

Now

So as a recap for the blog so far: I like my boots, industrial letters, and change. That's a start. I forget that sometimes I may not always know what I like- in my heart I've got an idea of who I'd like to be. And healthy is one of those things.